The Great Water War of '13

It began suddenly in the pre-lunch afternoon at Logan Central Park. Battle cries, harsh and ominous, sounded in our ears. The children were attacking! Led by their fierce Uncle Doug, they surrounded the peaceful adults and commenced firing on us until all were ... mildly annoyed. "Don't get the baby," cried a helpless mother.

Then there was calm for lunch and family pictures. We thought, we hoped, we had seen the last of General Doug's army.

We were wrong.


An advance scout returned to warn us of treachery. "Uncle Doug is arming the children again and they will descend upon you all, taking no prisoners," he said not knowing how badly I would paraphrase him later. General DeWayne gathered all the plastic cups he could acquire and began filling them from the brook. Joy's mammoth mug was commandeered. (Sorry, Dear). I prepared my camera so that the press would be well informed this time.

It actually took them a while to attack. We suspect they saw our preparations and waited. Once our guard started to slip, they charged. Mari became the first victim.

In a stunning reversal, Gen. DeWayne charged the Rebel commander. Rebel Doug hid behind a tree, anticipating his brother. Gen DeWayne faked right, then soaked him from behind. Doug sprang into action, rounding the tree and taking off after Major Fran.

I interviewed the rebel commander.

DeWayne managed to capture the rebels' secret weapon: the large plastic blue bucket. Refueled and double-wielding, he charged the rebels, sending Doug into full retreat. Doug hid next to a little old lady with a broken arm for protection. Thus ended the skirmish that escalated into a battle.

Or so we thought.

Conditioned to a lifetime of war, the victorious army turned on itself. The battle became a war.

After the ceasefire and temporary peace had been declared, DeWayne and Doug wanted Fran to "feel the love."

New battle lines were drawn. Doug attacked the Press (me)! DeWayne soaked his wife! She vowed revenge. Several of us advised, for the peace of the community, that he "take it like a man." This is how he took it:

Though he showed her clemency after asking for "Any last words," she was stabbed in the back by her own daughter. General DeWayne was court marshaled and forced to endure the Shaming.

Thus ended the Great Water War of '13.

Except that maaaybe someone got a little carried away after the armistace, grabbed the bucket full of icy water from his nephew, and soaked him down to the BVDs. Can't imagine who would be so dastardly.

But then it totally ended. For reals. You see, a cop showed up. He was just checking on his own kid, but word went round that someone had complained and we behaved ourselves after that.

Footnote: After recounting these events to Joy, who managed to maintain a more respectful neutrality than I by remaining close to the baby, she contends that the war continued the next day. At the next party, the children fiercely fought with hoses, water balloons, and the same squirt guns.