Leaving Town - a parody that was all too easy

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your program

She said you see it is my job here to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
So I repeat myself, I'm a head-hunter, dude.
And there must be fifty ways to leave your program, fifty ways to leave your program.

Chorus:
Just throw in the towel, Raul.
Get expelled, Nell.
Don't matriculate, Nate,
Just listen to me.
Quit your post-doc, Barack.
Get a real job, Bob!
Join the real world, Earl,
and get yourself free.
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways

She said, why don't you send me your resume tonight
And when you see your salary, you'll begin to see the light.
*spoken* And then she slid a paper with a number across the table.
 ... That's in American dollars, right? Inflation adjusted? After tax?
                                               and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your program, fifty ways to leave your program

Chorus:
Just throw in the towel, Raul.
Get expelled, Nell.
Don't matriculate, Nate,
Just listen to me.
Quit your post-doc, Barack.
Get a real job, Bob!
Join the real world, Earl,
and get yourself free.



Oh, for those carefree prerecession days! (original here) With thanks to Jon and Shari for suggesting the idea.
 -- Derrill